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The Nice Guys

Set against the backdrop of 1977 Los Angeles, The Nice Guys opens when single father and licensed PI Holland March (Gosling) is hired to investigate the apparent suicide of famous porn star Misty Mountains. As the trail leads him to track down a girl named Amelia (Qualley), he encounters less licensed and less hands-off private eye Jackson Healey (Russell Crowe) and his brass knuckles, both hired by the young hippie. However, the situation takes a turn for the worse when Amelia vanishes and it becomes apparent that March wasn't the only party interested. As both men are forced to team up, they'll have to take on a world filled with eccentric goons, strippers dressed as mermaids and even a possible government conspiracy.


Spoilers ahead. This flagship of 2016 summer movies is a steaming, nut-filled turd that will irredeemably poison two precious hours of your life.

Russell Crowe headlines in the role of an archetype, sleaze-bag private-eye, but in his physical condition, he can only be cast as a character actor (Read: he doesn't get the girl).

Indeed, there IS no girl, no heroine. Crowe looks like he's gained 200 pounds since "A Beautiful Mind," all of it around his waist, a sawed-off, bloated shadow of his former movie star persona. Crowe's bloodshot, watery eyes are suspended in a sagging brassiere of flesh (a tip o' the hat to Norman Mailer, who described Eugene McCarthy thusly in his 1968 presidential campaign), and he just looks like poop-on-a-stick. His barroom, gravely voice betrays his recent years of over-indulged intimacy with alcohol.

Second-Banana Ryan Gosling behaves throughout pic like a barely pubescent teen who's stoned from his first doobie. These two seem like they can barely stand each other; there is zero chemistry between them in this dweeby, pre-teen fantasy of a buddy-flick.

"The Nice Guys" has no discernible goal except for Crowe and Gosling to rescue from a mob hit an obscure damsel named Amelia (the McGuffin of the film) who has less than five minutes of unremarkable screen time and who inexplicably gets shot to death half-way through the film, thereby removing any motivation for Crowe's and Gosling's further antics and gratuitous shootouts. If this synopsis of the "story" makes absolutely no sense to you, then you've gotten the gist of this aimless, nonsensical P.O.S.

When I get tricked into seeing a film like this (the TV trailer was masterfully edited out of the very few humorous moments there were in pic), I feel like I never want to see another new movie ever again. Pic was so artlessly written and somnambulistically acted that you find yourself rooting for the black hats to finish these two unappetizing, unsympathetic morons off as quickly as possible.

If you're looking for something better to do this summer than seeing "The Nice Guys," try sticking pins in your eyes. That would beat this stink-bomb in spades. Beware of the gushing reviews of pic. I think that the IMDb voting has been stuffed with for-hire reviewers who have sold their souls pimping this garbage.

Jus' sayin'....


Russell Crowe, Ryan Gosling, Angourie Rice, Matt Bomer, Margaret Qualley, Yaya DaCosta, Keith David, Beau Knapp, Lois Smith, Murielle Telio, Gil Gerard, Daisy Tahan, Kim Basinger, Jack Kilmer, Lance Valentine Butler


Action, Comedy, Crime, Mystery, Thriller

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